Milestone Mediation

Communication Tips for Parents Living Apart

A Guide for Parents Living Apart

(Taken from the Shared Parenting Class required by the State of Utah)

Positive Parenting

Co-parenting after separation presents many challenges.  It is not easy to put your children’s needs ahead of your own – often intense – feelings and fears.  Referring to the following parenting tips from time to time may help you master successful co-parenting.

Children benefit when parents:

• Communicate with each other in a courteous “businesslike” manner
• Are on time and have children ready at exchange time
• Avoid any communication that may lead to conflict at exchange time
• Encourage the children to carry “important” items such as clothing, toys and security blankets with them between the parents’ homes
• Follow reasonably similar routines for mealtime, bedtime and homework time
• Communicate about rules and discipline in order to handle them in similar ways
• Support contact with grandparents and other extended family so the children do not experience a sense of loss
• Are flexible in developing parenting plans to accommodate their child’s extracurricular activities and special family celebrations
• Make time to spend alone with their children when the parent has a new partner
• Be with their children during scheduled times and communicate with their children when they cannot be with them
• Respect the other parent’s scheduled times with children and do not schedule plans that will conflict
• Discuss any proposed schedule changes directly with the other parent
• Support the child’s relationship with the other parent and trust the other’s parenting skills
• Assure the children that they did not cause the divorce and that they do not have the power to reverse the process

Children are harmed when parents:

• Encourage children to choose between them
• Make promises they do not keep
• Criticize the other parent to the child or in the child’s range of hearing
• Use the child as a messenger or negotiator or seek information about the other parent from the child
• Withhold access to the child for any reason unless there are safety concerns
• Involve the child in the court process or share leal information
• Introduce a new partner without adequate preparation.  Remember that children need time to grieve the loss of family as they knew it and may not be ready to accept a new partner

Parents should remember that a child’s experience of divorce differs from their own.  A child can often benefit from participation in school-based groups for children of divorce.  Some children have greater difficulty in adjusting to their parents separation.  If your child exhibits troublesome behavior over time, consider seeking help from a specialist experienced in dealing with child development and divorce.